i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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