The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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