I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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