I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
