Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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