At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
