i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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