you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."