New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again