I'm fucking your sister right now.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.