The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
