He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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