Pappa wants mamma naked
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
