I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
