I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
