When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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