Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
