I'm really into asian looking animals
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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