Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
