she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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