when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
