mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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