I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
