I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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