Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
