I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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