someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
