Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
