I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
