I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
