When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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