guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
