I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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