Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
