alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
