if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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