True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
