I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
