don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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