we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
