Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
