I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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