I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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