Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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