are you so shy because you have an std?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
don't judge my taste in strippers
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
God I need to hump something, right now.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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