i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
