Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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