Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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