she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
