i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
