She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
