I hate all girls vehemently.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
