so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
