He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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