It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
