You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
