He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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