Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
