Only a mothe r could love this liver
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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