As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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