Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
