I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
