Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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