I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
