Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
